The Angry Republican’s Neighborhood

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

Every time I see Madea's Family Reunion...and it comes to the wedding scene...I fall in love all over again...I love this poem...most of all I love Maya's voice.

To fall in love and have it last is the sweetest thing to have to pass...yet at this time my love is bound. Sealed away to protect the shell of sanity so thin and fine. One crack and it's likely to fall to pieces. ...

"may my heart always be open to littlebirds who are the secrets of living whatever they sing is better than to knowand if men should not hear them men are oldmay my mind stroll about hungryand fearless and thirsty and suppleand even if it's sunday may i be wrongfor whenever men are right they are not youngand may myself do nothing usefullyand love yourself so more than trulythere's never been quite such a fool who could failpulling all the sky over him with one smile "--e e cummings, may my heart always be open to little

How old do you think children should be before they join social networks like Facebook and MySpace?

 

At least sixteen...with parental supervision...i mean like the parent make sure that they have parental controls put up not just on the computer...and make sure you child's page is private...she/he doesn't add anyone they don't know...

I finally have been able to go to a meeting. I didn't want to go. I wanted to quit recovery. I didn't want to relapse, I just didn't want to deal with people anymore. I'm so glad I went though. It was what I needed. Even though my depression isn't totally lifted, I got a new perspective on things. At least I don't feel like dieing anymore. My kid got picked up yesterday (a day early, I might add) so she could visit and go to her uncle's wedding. I miss her terribly but my friends and everyone say I should enjoy this free time. I know I should and I'm going to try. Even with my depression, I'm going to try a little of a positive outlook. If I don't I'm surely going to do something stupid like relapse and I really don't want to do that. It's gloomy and cold outside and usually I would be gloomy and cold right along with the day but i don't know. I don't really have much else to say, so I guess I'll stop.

Which do you prefer? City life or country living?

That's a hard decision. I like living in both...there are pros and cons of living and in the country and in the city

The title speaks for itself. I'm done caring. Why should I when the people I've been there for from the beginning are conviently not there when I'm sitting here wanting to die. Why allow myself to feel anything at all. I don't want to get high. If I do that, I'll lose my daughter. But I'm so tired of feeling emotions. I just want to go back to the days where I didn't feel anything. So I'm just going to do what I do when I clear my head and constantly think about feeling numb. Eventually all the emotions will go away and I won't care that someone has broken my heart or my best friend isn't talking to me and I don't know why. I won't care that people are calling who need me. I won't care that they are crying. I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of doing. I'm tired of being. I just want it all to be okay and it's not. Fuck this shit...I'm done.

If you were going to write a book, what would you write about?

I'd probably put all my poetry into a book, or write a book about my life...i'd have to really sit down for that one. Maybe a fictional story about an addict's journey through her/his beginning, active addiction to getting clean. Those are the types of things I'd chose to write a book about. I can only write about things I know.

I'm struggling so much right now. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like my best friends, well one in particular, is pulling away. I man that I loved very much has left for reasons I'm still not a hundred percent clear on and it's been 4 months now. I'm jobless. I'm carless. The only good thing in my life is my daughter. Sometimes, I'm scared that it's not enough. It's kept me clean for a while but I'm feeling so horrible. So worthless that I don't feel like I deserve my kid. She is so bright and full of energy and I can't even play with her because I feel like some dark heavy cloud is pressing on my being. I've had thoughts of dieing lately and that's not me...or at least not normally. I don't want to leave my house. I've tried to reach out but everyone, even my sponsor and my mother is telling me to just get up and do it. It's what's best for my kid. I'm dieing here and everyone who I thought had my back is so wrapped up in themselves and their lives that they can't see that I'm not okay. I say I am when they ask most of the time. I'm on the verge of relapse and it's like no one is there. Even when I've always been there when they've relapsed again and again. Maybe that's just my disease(s) talking but I can't seem to shut the voices up no matter what. I've got a year clean and I'm trying my best to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time but I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I'm screaming and no one is listening. Now I think I'm going to go lay down and cry some more. Seems like that's all I'm capable of anymore. Maybe I should just give up and disappear. It'd make everything easier on everyone else in my life. I'm such a burden on everyone around me. I just don't want to do that to my beautiful daughter. I don't want to give up...but I feel like everything else is just too much for me to handle. I'm not capable of handling all this. I'm about to implode. Now I'm just rambling. I'm done. 

For the last few weeks, I've been stuggling with letting my daughter go to her Nanny's house. That's her grandmother on her father's side. My daughter's father is in the Air Force and is stationed in California and his mother thinks she should be granted the visitation that he would have if he was in this state (it's a long story). I finally let her go the weekend before last. It was the first time in six months. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Now her Nanny wants to take her to her uncle's wedding this weekend. Normally I would say yes automatically but it's out of state. Plus her father is going to be there and she hasn't seen him since last Thanksgiving. While I think isn't unfair not to allow her to go, there are some people in my life who think it's a bad idea. Those people feel like I'm repeating old patterns. I'm not. I want her to be there for her uncle's wedding and to see her father. She would love it. I know she misses them terribly. This all has to do with when I was using and taking advantage of the fact that her Nanny loves having her grandchild around. I'm not that person anymore. I want my kid home more than anyone else in my life. I am leaning more towards letting her go, not because I want her to be away from me but for her to be able to see her father and uncle. I think that's all I got for now...later!